We all know good contact is a vital part of life if we want to get along with our mates, our partners, our children, our boss or employees, but how many of us do it really well?
Isn't it true that, in general, people listen long enough to think their own thoughts then wait for the person to finish so they can interject those thoughts into the conversation? You know you've done it before, or maybe still do...
The year was 2000 and Steven Covey seminars were inspiring people all across America. My supervisor, Dr. Wayne Perry, Director of Physical Therapy at Andrews University, is one of those people who enjoy seeing others grow in personal development, so he hired a man named Dr. George Soper, Senior Vice President of Memorial Hospital in IN, to come to our work place and teach his staff the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
At first I was bored, but then I sat straight up and listened intently as he told us stories about how the skill of listening, and the skill of understanding, impacted his life. It was as if I were hearing it for the very first time.
In reality I'd probably heard it many times before but not in story format, which for most is an easier way to learn. Nor was it exampled on a consistent basis to fully grasp the concept for myself.
I wanted to practice the art of listening, and understanding, on my oldest teenage son whom at the time had started to rebel. I took him to lunch and after eating I physically put my finger over my mouth to hold it shut, just to remind me that I was there to listen and understand only.
It found it extremely challenging. I wanted to the do the parenting 'norm' and say things like, "You did what?!" "You said what to your teacher?!" "Well no wonder your grades are lower than they should be!" etc. etc. My will was in a constant battle to over-rule my mind much, less my try to keep my tongue still.
Instead I remained with my finger over my mouth, listened to understand, and understand I did! I saw his pain, his desire to want to do well in school, to have better relationships with his family and to live a life where he could feel happier about himself.
My silence worked so well that it actually worried my son greatly.
After nearly an hour of talking went by when stopped in mid sentence, as if to realize he was the only one talking. "Mom, are you okay? You haven't said a word the entire time. You just sat there and listened. What's wrong?"
I laughed out loud. My son had no idea what was going through my mind at that moment. I wanted to throw my arms around him and dance a mini jig, but I just smiled and told him I'm really good and how much I enjoyed our talk. I left the restaurant with several thoughts, one of which was "I did it Dr. Soper! You were so right!"
We were tasked to write a paper on how we applied the skill of listening and Dr. Soper asked me if he could use my story for teaching his course in the future. He said it was a "great example of applying what you learn". That lunch still stands out in my mind today because of the communication breakthrough I had regardless of it being an assignment. I learned so much about my son during that hour and our relationship blossomed as I continued to apply those lessons of good communication.
So here are a few tips on how to be a good listener and not an interrupter:
* When you want someone to understand you - say to them - "Please tell me how you see this situation"
* When you want to be heard you say, "I'll listen to you first, then I'd like to share how how I see it."
* Get clarification - "Is this what you are saying....?"
* Affirm - "I think I understand you felt....?" use emotions like happy, sad, hurt, frustrated
* Your side of the story - "From my perspective it seemed...." gently share your perspective and feelings
These tips are only helpful if you can consistently apply them in your life. Focus on them and they will expand your relationships in ways you can't imagine.
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